alright, a week later after everything, how am i doing? i have sad moments, i cry and i sleep and then i listen to music and i get over it.
i think the worst part for me right now is the loneliness, the feeling of losing friends that i used to talk to every single day that i now do not. i'm trying to get myself out there again, make more friends etc.
but most importantly i'm working on being better at respecting my own boundaries, which i am getting better at. i mean, literally three days ago i had to put a pause on a friendship i have because again a (cis het) man thought he could be weirdly sexual towards me when all i wanted was to play fortnite and have a fun time. it's like, do you not want to just play with me for the fun of it? why does this need to be a transactional? i need more girls in my life, i guess.
it's all a bit dramatic right now, but again, it will get better and i'll be my usual goofy self soon.
what we're not going to do is look at the date of my last post and this post. just ignore that please or i'll cry.
ladies, gents and fellow non-binary peeps... i am a fucking mess. i mess up a lot, i get myself into situations out of my own volition and i pay the high price for it.
as some of you who read my previous blog entry know, i was in a relationship, it lasted roughly two-ish months? it's over now, i broke it off.
i won't be name dropping but i will talk about it because i feel writing things down makes things easier to move on from, heal etc etc what have you.
i am and have been aromantic and asexual for a good couple of years now, i think i have always been aroace looking back at my earlier years but every so often i reconsider and selfishly i think it's because i enjoy the attention and validation, that's super fucked up on my part and i see that 1000%. that and i guess i get so excited about having a friend that has so much in common with me that i blur lines and overstep my own boundaries that i accept any romantic offers.
however, the deeper the relationship gets, the more i feel like i am drowning, i am miserable, i second guess myself and i just feel icky. so i end things because i can't handle it anymore.
let the jury know that i have never felt this way about women. only men. i have never been in a relationship with a woman (or afab person) but i have kissed girls and i like girls a lot! just never gotten past that so this has so far only been with men. and i have been more heartbroken over girls not liking me back than guys. anyway moving on.
my most recently relationship itself started feeling icky when a situation happened. i was playing fortnite with my ex and some mutual friends, a particual mutual friend we shall call "L" decided to be so sweet and gift me Zoey (kpop demon hunters) on fortnite (her skin). i was so grateful and thankful and happy but ex did not like this, took this to mean L liked me romantically (he does not). red flags started to show up as ex got weirdly aggressive and possessive, calling me his woman (i am non-binary, he knew this and would never use my prefered pronouns). ex starts messaging L, L explains himself as just being a nice friend. i get weird but push it aside (eventually apologise for ex being weird).
more weird things happened as well, ex was very aggressive at times, pushed the idea of marriage and kids onto me (i do not want kids or to get married ever). ex makes lots of sexual jokes and stuff. ex exposes naked body to me without consent. i feel sick. ex tells lies about ex's roomate, ex's roomate reaches out to me saying ex is lying, i ignore because me in love tehe (me stupid).
i have health problems, lack of sleep is affecting my health a lot so i say to ex "i know our timezones are fucked but i can't be up all night anymore" ex replies with a simple "wow". i break up with ex. i remove ex from everything. i lose mutual friends except L. now i write on neocities blog and feel exhausted.
moral of the story? i need to say no to men who try to date me, i need to learn to reinforce boundries. i might be into women? or i might just be aroace. i dunno. thanks for reading this mess.
monthly i never write here what's up post!! honestly i forget about this page so often that when i actually get to editing it i get jumpscared by barbie lmao why did i choose this design? i mean it's cute and i'm too lazy to change it but here she is!
anyway what the fuck is happening in september? a lot of shit apparently! charlie got yk... anyway idc. uhhhhhhhhhhhh......
i have a boyfriend... he's the nicest person i've ever met and i hate it because ew!!!! love is gross!! but yeah i'm so happy and i love being happy so yeah!
what else... alien earth is a good show, go watch that. also wayward go watch that if you like cults and thrillers and queer people yeah! bye!
i never write here anymore why do i even have a diary/journal/blog page like ?? my life is so boring ya'll. i mean i went out for my 28th to some crazy fairy place with a cave but i don't really remember much cause i was high but the ice cream was good... until i fucking dropped it onto my pink dress and mind you the ice cream was BLACK so. yeah. bye august im ready to embrace being freezing again.
hey i have nothing to really say lolz just that i changed this page (again) but hey it's cute and y2k and barbie yay!! ummmm yeah i only added one previous entry cause i'm lazy.
i cut my hair and now i have bangs but they're itching my forehead :) help
i've been avoiding this update tbh and contemplating whether or not to even write about it buti figured i might as well just rip the bandaid off.
if anyone noticed, i removed bucket from my pets page. this is because we rehomed her... kinda.
so, she is actually with her original family. the people who own her parents and many of her siblings (of which there are 8). she was never for sale. she and her siblings were stolen, and then she was wrongfully sold to us by shitpoop (who tried to steal my other dog odin).
well, through some miracle her original owners got some of the puppies back as well as bucket, some siblings actually work in the police! bucket herself should have been there from the start, we could never give her the life she needed which is why we wanted to rehome her. it is literally by a miracle that she belongs to her original owners, and is with her parents again.
does it hurt? no, it's bittersweet but she will be so much happier! odin and mishka (my other dogs) just didn't get along with bucket either. so it really just all worked out. i'm happy for everyone involved.
shitpoop is still on his bs. we're working with bucket's og owners to get a case against him. he pretends to train difficult dogs, but really he makes them fight. like a dog fighting ring. and when the authorities hear about it, he runs away to egypt. and the cycle repeats.
i will try to keep this story updated but i'm not sure how much i can say (not that anyone here knows my irl name etc etc) but just to be safe!
